Temporary disappointments, permanent division

Earlier this week, a girlfriend of mine was sharing with me that she had not spoken to her husband in a couple days, as he had bailed at the last minute on a day of choosing bathroom upgrades for their home. She was extremely disappointed, as this was to be a big purchase, a day of togetherness, not to mention she didn’t want to make all of the decisions on her own. But, that Sunday morning as she was getting ready to head out, he asked her if she could “do him a favor, and go this one solo”. In her hurt, she said to me, “I can’t ever depend on him for ANYTHING ever again!”.

 

Now, I know what you’re thinking. I was thinking it, too. But we’ve all been there.

It seems to be a part of the human condition. Unless you’re a saint, the benchmark of a successful relationship is that we agree with one another and want for nothing- you don’t disagree, you don’t argue, you like the same foods, same music, can have excitement when you want it, or calm when you want it. Sounds absurd, right? So then, the reality is that there is a hard, straight line of our expectations of our mate, and the reality of them reaches above or below that line.

 

Here’s the rub: we tend to notice it much more when our mate dips below that line than when they meet or leap above that line.

My feedback to my friend (ONLY because she asked for it) is this: The disappointment, frustration, even anger that we feel in these moments is real. SO real. The unfortunate thing is that, as humans, we are ME-centered. There’s so much that WE do for others…so much that WE put up with. So, when someone makes a choice that is not helpful to ME or makes ME not feel good, they’ve fallen short of MY expectations. It’s important, once you’ve splashed around a bit in your feelings (because, I am convinced, it somehow feels good to us to be upset for a spell), we must pull back to look at the big picture. If you pull back and you find that these disappointments share a recurring theme (i.e. More often than not, when we are supposed to partake in large projects for our family, you pull out), then that is a larger issue that you must address with your mate. But, if you pull back, and you find that they’re more on the line and above it than they are below it, cut them some slack. Acknowledge their consistency on the line and the times they exceed it. By all means, let them know that they’ve disappointed you, then MOVE ON! I’ve found that so many of us, especially women, create permanent division with our temporary disappointments. LET. IT. GO.

 

#Beencouraged,

Ursula