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Saturday, May 31, 2014

Temporary disappointments, permanent division

Earlier this week, a girlfriend of mine was sharing with me that she had not spoken to her husband in a couple days, as he had bailed at the last minute on a day of choosing bathroom upgrades for their home. She was extremely disappointed, as this was to be a big purchase, a day of togetherness, not to mention she didn’t want to make all of the decisions on her own. But, that Sunday morning as she was getting ready to head out, he asked her if she could “do him a favor, and go this one solo”. In her hurt, she said to me, “I can’t ever depend on him for ANYTHING ever again!”.

 
Now, I know what you’re thinking. I was thinking it, too. But we’ve all been there.

It seems to be a part of the human condition. Unless you’re a saint, the benchmark of a successful relationship is that we agree with one another and want for nothing- you don’t disagree, you don’t argue, you like the same foods, same music, can have excitement when you want it, or calm when you want it. Sounds absurd, right? So then, the reality is that there is a hard, straight line of our expectations of our mate, and the reality of them reaches above or below that line.


 
Here’s the rub: we tend to notice it much more when our mate dips below that line than when they meet or leap above that line.


My feedback to my friend (ONLY because she asked for it) is this: The disappointment, frustration, even anger that we feel in these moments is real. SO real. The unfortunate thing is that, as humans, we are ME-centered. There’s so much that WE do for others…so much that WE put up with. So, when someone makes a choice that is not helpful to ME or makes ME not feel good, they’ve fallen short of MY expectations. It’s important, once you’ve splashed around a bit in your feelings (because, I am convinced, it somehow feels good to us to be upset for a spell), we must pull back to look at the big picture. If you pull back and you find that these disappointments share a recurring theme (i.e. More often than not, when we are supposed to partake in large projects for our family, you pull out), then that is a larger issue that you must address with your mate. But, if you pull back, and you find that they’re more on the line and above it than they are below it, cut them some slack. Acknowledge their consistency on the line and the times they exceed it. By all means, let them know that they’ve disappointed you, then MOVE ON! I’ve found that so many of us, especially women, create permanent division with our temporary disappointments. LET. IT. GO.

 
#Beencouraged,


Ursula

 

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Nobody's Perfect

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

There’s a song I like called “We fight, We love”. And isn’t that the truth? It’s the cycle of all relationships- even healthy ones.

Hubby is an Aries. I’m a Taurus. We have horns. We lock them. Hard sometimes. Our disagreements usually go something like this:

Ursula thinks, Ursula shares, Hubby responds, Ursula responds (harder), Hubby responds (harder than Ursula)…how ever many rounds of this…Hubby apologizes, Ursula cries, Ursula administers some doses of the silent treatment, Ursula apologizes too, all is well.

Earlier this week, I woke up with the following thought on my heart:

Relationships are hard! After you and your spouse have gotten into it, and you’re enviously scrolling your Facebook timeline, viewing all the “perfect” relationships, photoshoots, happy times, #lovehim, #loveher, “I’m so blessed”…know that we’re all in this. We all get into it at times, and though it may appear so, no relationship/marriage is perfect.

It’s very easy to try to measure your own relationship based on the snapshots that we continually subject ourselves to in social networking. Keep perspective, and embrace the depth and richness of YOUR relationship (all the good, the bad, the sparkle, and the grime). Keep track of how YOUR relationship is getting better. Not how your relationship seems to be worse (or better) than Patti Perfect’s relationship. Relationships are not perfect because we are not perfect.

#beencouranged


 

J

~Ursula~

Sunday, May 25, 2014

"Oh, I thought you were my dad"

Something funny happened today...

This afternoon, I went downstairs to grab a snack out of the kitchen, passing Sson in the living room, who was FULLY engrossed in the episode of "The Magic Schoolbus" that he was watching. Moments later, Sson comes running toward the kitchen, and says "so what's for dinner?". Rounding the corner into the kitchen, he stops and says "Oh. I thought it was my dad".

I sorta cocked my head, confused, and asked him, "do you think you can't ask me questions too?". He shrugged. I said, "does your dad cook dinner?". He shrugs again, then shakes his head no. I then say, "It's OK for you to ask me things too, I can usually help". He says, "OK", and runs off.

Now, I must say, I've sorta taken advantage of the fact that Sson does this, because at 7 Saturday morning, it's not my name being called through the door. But, it hit me today: I've not really proven myself a reliable source of caregiving. Not in Sson's eyes, anyway.

So, I'm thinking the following exercise is necessary: One week, (probably when Sson is with us during the week, once school is out), I'll become his primary source of help. Hubby is to relinquish any summons to me (this'll be a little irritating, but...), I will respond to any and every need that Sson has. This is with the hopes that Sson will come to the conclusion that both Hubby and I are capable of opening a water bottle, reaching something on a high shelf, tying a shoe.

Have you encountered something like this? What are your thoughts?