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Thursday, April 17, 2014

So, who am I, exactly?

Daughter's Dad and I raised her to be respectful of adults- there was Mommy, Daddy, Grandmama, Granny, Papa, and Granddaddy. Other adults in her life were addressed by their titles or as "Mr...." or "Ms...", so it came as no surprise that when her Dad took on a girlfriend, that her name was "Ms. First Name". When Hubby and I became serious and he became a part of her life, he was "Mr. First Name".
I remember a few months after Daughter's Dad and Sista-Momma got married, Daughter got in the car and mentioned that she had been in discussions with Sista-Momma about what she should be called. I'm quickly said out loud to her, "well, surely not 'mom', 'mama', or 'mommy'...cause that's me, right?". Daughter immediately responded, "Of course not, it's just that she's called 'Ms. Lastname' at school and in Sunday School, and she doesn't really want to keep being 'Ms. Something' even at home." That made sense to me. But...but...had she earned a title? Wasn't it good enough that she was his wife? A Stepmother by description?
A few weeks later, Daughter revealed that she and Sista-Momma had been researching titles for Stepmoms, and they landed on "Momere", which I immediately recognized from my 3 years of High School French as a mispronunciation of "Ma Mere"- my mother. My stomach wrenched with betrayal, and I felt deeply troubled by this assigning of importance. Sista-Momma had been promoted. Was she equal to me? Different? Better? My only response was "well, I won't be calling her 'Momere', I'm fine to call her (First Name)."
As my partnership with Sista-Momma evolved, I found myself referring to her more and more as 'Momere' when speaking to Daughter. Yes, if there was an 'earning of a title' to be done, she has more than earned it with our little gem of a daughter. But the fact of the matter is, I am Daughter's mother-nothing (no title, circumstance, or situation) can ever take that away (certainly can't take away the 52 hours of labor-ha!). Now, inevitably, someone out there will say "it takes more than giving birth to be a mother". This is true, and this is what I am referring to. I have been, am, and will continue to be her mother. There is but 1 ME.
But, similarly, the fact is that Sista-Momma is Daughter's stepmother. The title doesn't make her any more or less that, just like the fact that I'm "Mom" does not define who I am. She could call me "Mud", and I would still be her mother. And so, "Momere" it is. That was Sista-Momma's request for her household, and Daughter agreed to it. It's only right.
In my home, Hubby is still "Mr. First Name". It bothered me a little right after our wedding, but he's OK with it, an so is Daughter. I'm not forcing anyone's hand. He is stepdad, regardless of his kid-moniker. Sson doesn't really call me anything. He does acknowledge me as being his stepmom if I'm picking him up and a friend asks, but usually when he needs to call out a name, it's "Daddy" anyway. And I'm cool with that. Today.
What are your thoughts on the matter? Have you been in this position? What are you called?

5 comments:

  1. Sweet Ursula, Too funny that you would have this posted of all days I finally can sit down and read your blog. About 4 months ago my two Ty and Syd, call my hubs Mr. First name. I hated it, despised it. It really drove me crazy!! But, like you we taught our children to be respectful, and so carried on the MR. title. However, we have been married for almost 6 years and their relationship with my hubs has grown in a way that only God gets the glory. So, as your Daughter did with Sista-Momma, we began searching the net for a new name to call the step-dad. No such luck. Then, one day not long my oldest Ty was playing with the magnet letters on the fridge and arranged them in a way that spelled out Dapo (pronounced DA-P long O ). From that day forward he has been called Dapo. I was super excited for the day we moved past Mr. Frist name.

    Now, for more on the little guy Bro. I am mom!! I am all he has ever known. He does no a little about the Bio-mother. But, I am all he has.
    Blessings beyond measure!!!
    Sweet Sister!

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    1. Hi Arica! I haaaaaaaate the Mr. First Name! LOL, but, you know, like I said--if they're both OK with it, so am I. It really is truly about the relationship and connection. 6 years from now, Daughter will be 18, so...I imagine she'll be trying to call ME by my first name (she'd better not...LOL). Thank you SOOO much for gracing my blog with your parents. It's only been a week, and I've already been so blessed by the women it's put me in contact with. Be blessed, and DON'T be a stranger! <3

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  2. Thank you so much for your perspective on this! I struggled with not being called anything other than my first name for a while. I can understand how as a natural-mother it would be hard for the stepmom to be called 'mom.' I wish we did have a better name for stepmoms. I think you are handling the Mr. First Name thing well... if it doesn't bother them then don't let it bother you is right! But frustrating! Thanks again for sharing!

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    1. Lisa-indeed. I believe that if you're more than a classmate, a random person off the street, (ESPECIALLY because you are the maternal figure in the home), you deserve it. As long as you're respectful of Mom's position. And for Bio-mom, its a matter of being self assured that you canNOT be replaced.

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