Where Have I Been?!?!?!

It’s been well over a week since my last post, and I just…fell off the grid! I’ve some ‘splaining to do!

 

I began a diet, and working out- I started closely watching what I was putting in my mouth (no carbs, no sugars), and working out 3-4 times a week. I’m on a path of trying to get my (health) life together- I’ve gained far too many “happy marriage” pounds, and had reached my rock bottom. So far, so good. But it’s been a time-suck- being at the gym and concentrating on NOT stuffing my face. The sugar withdrawals have been a ton of fun!

I’ve been reading like crazy- I am a TOTAL bibliophile! When I started my blog, I was reading "Heaven is For Real" by Todd Burpos; I then moved right into "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green; I’m now concurrently reading “Not a Fan”, by Kyle Idleman and “Hungry”, by Allen Zadoff. I love moving from book to book, but this too, is a time-suck.

Work has been crazy!! My work has come to a point where I have never experienced. Immense pressure has left me with little energy to do much more than, well, go to the gym, go home and eat my meager portion, and read while sipping chamomile until I slip into a deep slumber. As lovely as this sounds, this has taught me something else as well- I need to adapt better coping skills. Removing snacking and stress eating right before entering into a stressful time has totally shocked my system, and has left me empty, with nothing left for my hubby and children. L We’ve fought (hard) due to my zombielike affect, and had some productive conversations as a result to help him recognize when I’m going into a stress-meltdown (which appears more like a lobotomy than an actual “meltdown”, but…)… I’m a work in progress!

I Celebrated a Birthday (Yay me!) I have now officially entered INTO my 35th year of life (I’ve just turned 34). I feel really great, overall. Didn’t suffer any of the self-imposed “what am I doing with my life” thoughts that have plagued me from time to time. I have an adoring husband who loves me, and whom I love. I think I look pretty good for a 34 yr old mom of an insane pre-teen . Life is good.

 

And so, with all of this said, I am back. While I now realize that daily posting may be a tall order, I will definitely focus my discipline on staying connected at least 3 or 4 times a week. I owe it to you. I owe it to me. It feels good.

 

XOXO,

Ursula

Therefore, what God has joined together, let NO man separate...

...and what's funny about that statement, is that the "man" in that statement is frequently in the marriage (or WOman, of course).

We are so busy today-whether you're a stay-at-home parent or working, we are B.U.S.Y! By the time we complete our workday, pick up the kids, get to the gym, come home, blog, make and eat dinner, check homework, give baths, and put the kids to bed, we are DONE!

But, where was "nurture the relationship" in that? Unfortunately, nowhere.

Hubby and I have long preached "balance" to each other, but have had quite a time walking the walk. In addition to the above, I have my social calendar (I love to enjoy occasional dinners or happy hours with girlfriends), he's in school, and is involved in community work. Though we enjoy being together, it is quite a feat to remember to devote time. One weekend a month, we are without either child and get to "honeymoon", but the rest of the time is pretty hit or miss for us.

Then there's the whole "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" thing. Of course, come the weekend, my husband is seeking...a connection in his way, while I'm seeking a connection in my way. (I'll let you draw your own conclusions on that one). Ultimately, both a husband and wife need connection, and it's not just going to happen on it's own, without both parties trying.

• "Together-Time" doesn't need to be a big production- it doesn't need to be an elaborate date night, complete with candlelight to be meaningful. Hubby and I once spent an entire weekend binge watching Netflix, and had an amazing time!
• Sometimes, you'll have to sacrifice something else on your agenda in the interest of feeding the relationship- this doesn't mean cancel your gym membership and drop all of your obligations. It simply means, sometimes, that pilates class or happy hour with the boys will have to take a back seat...you need to stay in with your sweetie instead.
• Even when you're tired, invest the time-There have been several nights when I've waited up, watery-eyed for Hubby to make it back from a community meeting, just so that he could see me awake for a minute. "How was your day?" goes a long way...
• Fulfill his needs, and he'll fulfill yours...and you'll fulfill his...and he'll fulfill yours-Marriage is a give-and-take. Step one is understanding what each other needs. Without each having a thorough understanding of this, it's easy to feel like "What I need doesn't matter" or "I'm the only one giving here". Marriage is a tango. Hubby and I stepped on each others toes habitually for awhile there...now we know how to dance much better together. :-)
• The Kids Need to See that you're more than just "Mommy and Stepdad" or "Stepmom and Dad"-We learn most of what we know about relationships from the marriages we witness growing up. Unfortunately, many of our kids witnessed the tumult of our previous marriages. So, we owe it to them to show that we are working to keep our current marriages healthy.

Pic courtesy of Kim Nellum Photography

 

So, who am I, exactly?

Daughter's Dad and I raised her to be respectful of adults- there was Mommy, Daddy, Grandmama, Granny, Papa, and Granddaddy. Other adults in her life were addressed by their titles or as "Mr...." or "Ms...", so it came as no surprise that when her Dad took on a girlfriend, that her name was "Ms. First Name". When Hubby and I became serious and he became a part of her life, he was "Mr. First Name".

I remember a few months after Daughter's Dad and Sista-Momma got married, Daughter got in the car and mentioned that she had been in discussions with Sista-Momma about what she should be called. I'm quickly said out loud to her, "well, surely not 'mom', 'mama', or 'mommy'...cause that's me, right?". Daughter immediately responded, "Of course not, it's just that she's called 'Ms. Lastname' at school and in Sunday School, and she doesn't really want to keep being 'Ms. Something' even at home." That made sense to me. But...but...had she earned a title? Wasn't it good enough that she was his wife? A Stepmother by description?

A few weeks later, Daughter revealed that she and Sista-Momma had been researching titles for Stepmoms, and they landed on "Momere", which I immediately recognized from my 3 years of High School French as a mispronunciation of "Ma Mere"- my mother. My stomach wrenched with betrayal, and I felt deeply troubled by this assigning of importance. Sista-Momma had been promoted. Was she equal to me? Different? Better? My only response was "well, I won't be calling her 'Momere', I'm fine to call her (First Name)."

As my partnership with Sista-Momma evolved, I found myself referring to her more and more as 'Momere' when speaking to Daughter. Yes, if there was an 'earning of a title' to be done, she has more than earned it with our little gem of a daughter. But the fact of the matter is, I am Daughter's mother-nothing (no title, circumstance, or situation) can ever take that away (certainly can't take away the 52 hours of labor-ha!). Now, inevitably, someone out there will say "it takes more than giving birth to be a mother". This is true, and this is what I am referring to. I have been, am, and will continue to be her mother. There is but 1 ME.

But, similarly, the fact is that Sista-Momma is Daughter's stepmother. The title doesn't make her any more or less that, just like the fact that I'm "Mom" does not define who I am. She could call me "Mud", and I would still be her mother. And so, "Momere" it is. That was Sista-Momma's request for her household, and Daughter agreed to it. It's only right.

In my home, Hubby is still "Mr. First Name". It bothered me a little right after our wedding, but he's OK with it, an so is Daughter. I'm not forcing anyone's hand. He is stepdad, regardless of his kid-moniker. Sson doesn't really call me anything. He does acknowledge me as being his stepmom if I'm picking him up and a friend asks, but usually when he needs to call out a name, it's "Daddy" anyway. And I'm cool with that. Today.

What are your thoughts on the matter? Have you been in this position? What are you called?

Something's Gotta Give- Weight Loss Wednesdays

"I’m sick of battling my weight."

These were the words I said when my older sister picked up the phone this morning. I was about this weight 6 months ago before the wedding, and about 12 lbs lighter on our actual wedding day. Here is my weight story:


So, I lost 50 lbs 4 years ago. At that point, I was about 30 lbs heavier than I am now, and straight up miserable. I was right on the cusp of turning 30 and I was disgusted with who I had become. I had ALWAYS been thin and athletic. Ran track and danced in High School and stayed pretty thin when I entered college, and was about this weight right after the birth of my daughter.

How I gained 50 lbs:

-I stopped working out.

-I took a pressure-filled job.

-I went back to school and picked up the Six Dollar Burger each day I had school for dinner (sometimes with chili and cheese).

-Stress eating.

As a result, I developed high blood pressure in my mid 20s (who does that?), and was on medication to lower it. And I was miserable.

I started losing the 50 in 2009 as the divorce from my ex-husband ensued. I lost the 50 lbs on Jenny Craig with no problem. I was on a mission: I was about 50% on their program and 50% my own food eating according to their methods. Additionally, I was running 3-4 times per week. I looked BETTER than I did in my early 20s. I was able to stay within 5-8 lbs of my goal weight (sometimes under) for about 2.5yrs, and my doctors took me off of my blood pressure meds.

THEN stuff started getting crazy:

-The man I was dating (HUBS) was in what seemed like a non-stop legal battle with his ex.

-I was on a pressure-filled high profile project at work.

-My workouts grew less and less frequent.

-My blood pressure crept back up, to the point of causing heart issues (I know, it’s bad).

-Docs placed me BACK on blood pressure meds, plus a heart-rate slowing heart med.

-Stress Eating.

And so, ladies and gents. Here I am, 17 lbs heavier than I was when I met Hubs. And it’s not helping that he’s such a loving man who finds me attractive no matter what. But, I’M not happy with me at the present time, I’m starting to feel like junk (physically and mentally), and it’s time to get back on the wagon.

This is about where I am now, weight-wise.

T- 17lbs

Let’s go!

Blessings,

U

Eat The Food, Kid...

Sson doesn’t eat ANYTHING.

Well, that’s not totally accurate. He eats chicken nuggets (NOT chicken stars, fingers, or tenders), and he eats chicken sandwiches (but NOT from McDonalds and definitely not Burger King), he’ll eat corn (SOMETIMES), never broccoli or green beans (but he’ll eat collard greens at times, with no meat). He’ll eat spaghetti as long as the meat to spaghetti ratio is roughly 2:4, and not too saucy. No potatoes of any sort, only rice with chicken broth (no spices from the broth can be visible in his serving. No skin on chicken, only white meat, pork if it tastes like chicken….!@#&#)($&!)&)!#%&^!

Funny enough, he’s a less forgiving version of his father, who eats everything…as long as it’s prepared a certain way.

As I shared before, we only have Sson on weekends (during the school year, which then flips for Summertime and every other Spring Break), which works out for all involved because we tend to eat out more- it’s Pizza night on Fridays, we may have dinner and a movie Saturday, and we typically have lunch/brunch on Sundays after church-so he’s allowed moderately free reign with his meals, as most “kids meals” are a main course (pizza, chicken of some sort, burger + fruit or veggies + juice or milk). The problem comes when we have him during the week. I am not a restaurant, and I do not prepare separate meals.

Last week, we had Sson all week for his Spring Break, with Daughter joining us on Wednesday. Wednesday I made tacos, which Sson likes, but Thursday came and I had the great idea to make chicken sandwiches. I didn’t want to slave in the kitchen for very long, and wanted a no-fuss meal that everyone could enjoy. Went to the store, picked up Tyson brand chicken patties and King’s Hawaiian burger buns (cute, right?). I knew that everyone would want cheese (American for most, Gouda for myself), and that Daughter would want lettuce and no tomato, Hubby would want lettuce and tomato (as would I), and Sson would take a simple patty+cheese+bread with ketchup on the side (he doesn’t like ketchup on the bread because it absorbs). As a side, I steamed some baby Yukon golds and corn to round the meal out. Hubby and I peeled Sson’s potatoes, because the skins were imperfect and would surely turn him off if he noticed a blemish.

With pride, I placed everyone’s plates in their spots at the table. 45 minutes later, Sson says “daddy, I don’t really want these potatoes”. Hubby says “bud, you’re going to need to eat some of the potatoes”, As I get up to place my plate in the kitchen I notice: Sson’s been sitting there for 45 minutes, has eaten one bite of the chicken patty, all of the cheese, and half of the bun. The corn is gone, but the 3 pieces of potato I’ve placed on his plate remain right where they were placed. Cold.

I pick up his plate, say “OK, time’s up, go to bed. We’re not playing these games anymore”, and I turn his plate over into the trash as he gets up to go to bed.

Did I feel bad? Sorta. Was I fed up? Absolutely. I didn’t purchase those chicken patties for the other 75% of the household! We were all eating what could be sold as kids meals, and he didn’t even touch it?!? This is the way Hubby and I were both raised. This is the way Daughter’s been raised. A meal is prepared for the family, and either you eat it…or you don’t. Of course, there is some low (and I mean low) seated guilt—what if he doesn’t eat at all??? What if he’s malnourished at my hands??

So, here’s the thing: I don’t have an answer yet. Here’s what hubby and I are faced with:

-I refuse to make multiple meals to placate Sson.

-I refuse to make nutrient-deficient meals for the whole family to eat, simply because Sson has so many preferences.

-I want to do my part to foster healthy eating habits for Sson (because it’s unclear what’s going on at his other home).

Ideas? Recipes anyone? I want to embark on "Operation Healthy Sson"…if I can build a repertoire of main courses and sides that he’ll tolerate, I can plan meals that are healthy for the WHOLE family, and not repeat the chicken sandwich debacle!

Photo credit: Sheknows.com

Blessings,

U

Stepmotherhood, pt.3

On humility...

The first time I saw her was Daughter's baptism. We were at Daughter's father's church, and though I knew there was a fiance, I had never seen her. For the hour or so that we were there, I observed her concerted effort to avoid me: If I was in the front, she was in the rear; if I was in the northeast corner, she was in the southwest. I can only imagine how she felt that day. Who knows what account of the divorce she had received (and I should say, I still don't know or care to know), but it turned out to be just as awkward a non-encounter as society says it should have been. For both of us.

About 6 months later, she was officially his wife. Daughter had reached a point where her school was no longer challenging her, and her Stepmother, a teacher, extended the offer to bring Daughter to the private school where she taught- tuition-free. This would mean that Daughter would carpool with her stepmother everyday to the campus about 20 miles east of our home, and there would be daily contact between us: the former and new wife.

Tensenervousawkward touchbases between Stepmom and I were held weekly outside their home (where Daughter hopped out of one car into the other) to discuss behavior over the week, restrictions, homework, school projects, etc. Eventually, text messages were also exchanged to shoot additional tidbits we'd missed.

Our relationship has evolved into a sisterhood of motherhood. This woman, who I now affectionately call my "Sista-Momma", Daughter's "Bonus Mom" is my tag team partner! I rarely interract with Daughter's Dad, not for avoidancce, but by virtue of my daily contact with Sista-Momma. Our 12 year old is knee deep in teenage hormones (she 'hates' everyone, but loves us too), and we're all feeling it. Sista-Momma and I share tearful hugs when times are tough, pray together when things are bleak, and rejoice together when days are good.

Sista-Momma is my hero. She has forged such a relationship with Daughter that she is the perfect partner for Daughter's Dad. I have no apprehension about the care of Daughter when she's not with me. S-M is respectful of my role as Daughter's mother, but is ankle deep in the battle with me, and I love her. I am a better mother because she's in the trenches with me, and I am proud that Daughter has her as another strong woman to model her own womanhood after. We all should model ourselves after her HUMILITY. She's pretty awesome.

Sista-Momma on the left, me on the right

Stepmotherhood, pt. 2

So...as I said in my last post, the theme in my stepparenting journey thus far has been humility. I really struggled that first year with embracing Sson. Remember that feeling for kids I said I don't have naturally? Yeah...

It was HARD to love Sson. Point blank AND the period. For one, he was an age that I hadn't experienced in 6+ years, he was a boy (which, I don't care what anybody says, is DIFFERENT from experiencing a girl of the same age). And he wasn't mine.

A lot of weight is placed on men who "accept children who are not theirs". I would submit that it's just as hard for a woman if not, harder. Especially for one who's already a mother. Here's my theory:
When a woman gives birth to a child, there's a an innate and unconditional love on both the part of the mother and the child. From the moment the chid is born, it knows: "this is my mothership, my life giver". Even in the case of an adopted mother, the child is taught the same thing. There is one mother. One father. Then, there's everyone else. I am the everyone else. This is where humility comes in. Can you love a child that owes you nothing, with no expectation of reciprocation of any type?

It didn't help that things were still pretty contentious that first year between Hubby and Sson's mother. Each weekend, Sson would come to us reporting spiteful things from the other household ala TMZ. Hubby would be on edge, and the whole atmosphere in our home would be muddy.

I know it sounds like, "U, you're complaining a lot about this little boy", but I'm saying this to show that it is a challenge to be a step-parent, it does not by any means come easily, and YOU are not alone. It's hard. But we have been placed in this position because we can handle it. We CAN love a child that's not our own unconditionally. This is a more profound love than even the love one has for her own flesh because of this fact: you don't have to do it.

To this day, his parent in our home is Hubby. At 6, he still doesn't fully grasp the fact that I too am a parent in the home. And at almost 34 I still haven't fully grasped the fact that I am to be a parent despite the fact that he is not "being my child". I struggle sometimes with doing more than just ensuring everyone's fed, but I'm trying to get better, everyday. Humility is a process...you'll watch my journey unfold as it unfolds!

The goal is to not be this:

 

But something more like this:

Stepmotherhood, pt. 1

Can we just be open with one another...?

I'm not really a 'kids' person, per se...I'm not the one gushing over Anne Geddes pictures, I'm not rushing across store parking lots to look inside random ladies strollers, and I'm definitely not volunteering in the church nursery. In fact, I once thought I wanted to be a schoolteacher when I grew up, but after visiting my father's 10th grade math class for a day, retired that notion. Some people have that feeling for kids naturally. I just don't. (Insert your judgment here).
But you say, "Aren't you a mother??". Yes, I am, and I love my daughter to the MOON and back. I'm an aunt as well, and I love my niece and nephew the same way. Perhaps this is why God blessed me with stepmotherhood.

When my husband and I began dating, he was in the midst of a raging custody battle with Sson's mother, and had no custody at that time. I had my daughter 50% of the time (1 week on, 1 week off), and had enjoyed the privilege of dating only on my off weeks. The fact that Hubby had a son didn't affect me at all, and the fact that he was fighting for his son was something that I found very attractive! (I mean, a man really wanting to be in his son's life is SO hot!) :)

For about 4 months, I only heard about his son. Hubby pined for his son, and I consoled him, like a good girlfriend. It wasn't until the Tuesday before we were to leave for our first romantic getaway (to meet both families too) that I received the call (pun intended, for my Christian folks)- "I've gotten 40% custody of my son! Mostly weekends...starting this weekend". I felt so many emotions: I was disappointed- our romantic weekend had become an instant family trip,"why was HIS kid coming and not mine?!?", oh, and we're travelling with a then 4yr old...I would have to help him supervise (read:parent) this kid. Ohhhhh, how I struggled- I was ready to cancel the trip. But even if I did that, we'd just be hanging out at my place or his...with his son. This would be our life, if I wanted to stay with him, if I loved him...and I did.

So, there we were, at LAX...embarking on our journey into blendedness.

On that trip, I had to make Hubby and his son feel as comfortable as possible. It had been over a year since Hubby had his son overnight, and he.was.clueless. Sson was young (for one), nervous, uncomfortable, uncertain, and unstructured. He was accustomed to a very, let's call it flexible, schedule. During that weekend, I helped keep the little duckling in line-making sure his meals were square, he was bathed, entertained, and got to bed at a decent time. It felt very strange at first not having Daughter there (we hadn't planned on her being there), but in hindsight I think know it was meant to be that way. Not sure how I could have given as much attention to SSon that weekend that I did, if I also had to be full time Mommy to my girl.

It's now been about 2 years since that trip, and while I can't say that the trip solidified a my relationship with Sson, I can say that it made clear a theme in my Stepparenting journey: HUMILITY...more on that later.

(This isn't Sson....but it kinda looks like him. Haha)

My So-Called Blended Life....the background

Hi There!

It occurred to me this weekend, that I am learning so much about life, relationships, parenting, and more from my so-called blended family...and that others may benefit (especially if you're like me, Googling frantically for the all-elusive manual on parenting/step-parenting, and being a wife, etc.). If you've found me that way...I hope I can give...HOPE.

Background on my life is that I am a 33 year old woman who has a 12 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I married a man, who's now 37, who has a 6 year old son from a previous marriage. My divorce was a "nice" divorce, as divorces go. My husband's...well...not so much. We began dating in January 2012, merged our families in May of that year, and were married in November of last year. Life has been INTERESTING, and we continue to learn each day how to be a part of a loving marriage (it's a challenge, 2nd time around), how to be better parents, how to step-parent, and how to co-parent.

We are a Christian family, and a part of our church's Blended Family ministry- a bible based support group of sorts. So, on top of everything I've mentioned already, we strive daily to do all of this in accordance with "The Good Book".

At the end of the day, my family is no different than any other family- we work, we laugh, we eat, we love, we get pissed, we yell, we cry. Our backdrop is a little different. I hope I can show that you are not alone...in a way I'm hoping you can show me I'M not alone.

For the sake of the blog, I'll refer to the cast of characters as Hubby, SSon, Daughter, SSon's mom, Daughter's Dad, and Sista-Momma (Daughter's Bonus Mom). Also, out of respect for my SSon's mother, I wont post any frontal pics of him.

Blessings,

U:)