So, who am I, exactly?

Daughter's Dad and I raised her to be respectful of adults- there was Mommy, Daddy, Grandmama, Granny, Papa, and Granddaddy. Other adults in her life were addressed by their titles or as "Mr...." or "Ms...", so it came as no surprise that when her Dad took on a girlfriend, that her name was "Ms. First Name". When Hubby and I became serious and he became a part of her life, he was "Mr. First Name".

I remember a few months after Daughter's Dad and Sista-Momma got married, Daughter got in the car and mentioned that she had been in discussions with Sista-Momma about what she should be called. I'm quickly said out loud to her, "well, surely not 'mom', 'mama', or 'mommy'...cause that's me, right?". Daughter immediately responded, "Of course not, it's just that she's called 'Ms. Lastname' at school and in Sunday School, and she doesn't really want to keep being 'Ms. Something' even at home." That made sense to me. But...but...had she earned a title? Wasn't it good enough that she was his wife? A Stepmother by description?

A few weeks later, Daughter revealed that she and Sista-Momma had been researching titles for Stepmoms, and they landed on "Momere", which I immediately recognized from my 3 years of High School French as a mispronunciation of "Ma Mere"- my mother. My stomach wrenched with betrayal, and I felt deeply troubled by this assigning of importance. Sista-Momma had been promoted. Was she equal to me? Different? Better? My only response was "well, I won't be calling her 'Momere', I'm fine to call her (First Name)."

As my partnership with Sista-Momma evolved, I found myself referring to her more and more as 'Momere' when speaking to Daughter. Yes, if there was an 'earning of a title' to be done, she has more than earned it with our little gem of a daughter. But the fact of the matter is, I am Daughter's mother-nothing (no title, circumstance, or situation) can ever take that away (certainly can't take away the 52 hours of labor-ha!). Now, inevitably, someone out there will say "it takes more than giving birth to be a mother". This is true, and this is what I am referring to. I have been, am, and will continue to be her mother. There is but 1 ME.

But, similarly, the fact is that Sista-Momma is Daughter's stepmother. The title doesn't make her any more or less that, just like the fact that I'm "Mom" does not define who I am. She could call me "Mud", and I would still be her mother. And so, "Momere" it is. That was Sista-Momma's request for her household, and Daughter agreed to it. It's only right.

In my home, Hubby is still "Mr. First Name". It bothered me a little right after our wedding, but he's OK with it, an so is Daughter. I'm not forcing anyone's hand. He is stepdad, regardless of his kid-moniker. Sson doesn't really call me anything. He does acknowledge me as being his stepmom if I'm picking him up and a friend asks, but usually when he needs to call out a name, it's "Daddy" anyway. And I'm cool with that. Today.

What are your thoughts on the matter? Have you been in this position? What are you called?

Stepmotherhood, pt. 2

So...as I said in my last post, the theme in my stepparenting journey thus far has been humility. I really struggled that first year with embracing Sson. Remember that feeling for kids I said I don't have naturally? Yeah...

It was HARD to love Sson. Point blank AND the period. For one, he was an age that I hadn't experienced in 6+ years, he was a boy (which, I don't care what anybody says, is DIFFERENT from experiencing a girl of the same age). And he wasn't mine.

A lot of weight is placed on men who "accept children who are not theirs". I would submit that it's just as hard for a woman if not, harder. Especially for one who's already a mother. Here's my theory:
When a woman gives birth to a child, there's a an innate and unconditional love on both the part of the mother and the child. From the moment the chid is born, it knows: "this is my mothership, my life giver". Even in the case of an adopted mother, the child is taught the same thing. There is one mother. One father. Then, there's everyone else. I am the everyone else. This is where humility comes in. Can you love a child that owes you nothing, with no expectation of reciprocation of any type?

It didn't help that things were still pretty contentious that first year between Hubby and Sson's mother. Each weekend, Sson would come to us reporting spiteful things from the other household ala TMZ. Hubby would be on edge, and the whole atmosphere in our home would be muddy.

I know it sounds like, "U, you're complaining a lot about this little boy", but I'm saying this to show that it is a challenge to be a step-parent, it does not by any means come easily, and YOU are not alone. It's hard. But we have been placed in this position because we can handle it. We CAN love a child that's not our own unconditionally. This is a more profound love than even the love one has for her own flesh because of this fact: you don't have to do it.

To this day, his parent in our home is Hubby. At 6, he still doesn't fully grasp the fact that I too am a parent in the home. And at almost 34 I still haven't fully grasped the fact that I am to be a parent despite the fact that he is not "being my child". I struggle sometimes with doing more than just ensuring everyone's fed, but I'm trying to get better, everyday. Humility is a process...you'll watch my journey unfold as it unfolds!

The goal is to not be this:

 

But something more like this:

My So-Called Blended Life....the background

Hi There!

It occurred to me this weekend, that I am learning so much about life, relationships, parenting, and more from my so-called blended family...and that others may benefit (especially if you're like me, Googling frantically for the all-elusive manual on parenting/step-parenting, and being a wife, etc.). If you've found me that way...I hope I can give...HOPE.

Background on my life is that I am a 33 year old woman who has a 12 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I married a man, who's now 37, who has a 6 year old son from a previous marriage. My divorce was a "nice" divorce, as divorces go. My husband's...well...not so much. We began dating in January 2012, merged our families in May of that year, and were married in November of last year. Life has been INTERESTING, and we continue to learn each day how to be a part of a loving marriage (it's a challenge, 2nd time around), how to be better parents, how to step-parent, and how to co-parent.

We are a Christian family, and a part of our church's Blended Family ministry- a bible based support group of sorts. So, on top of everything I've mentioned already, we strive daily to do all of this in accordance with "The Good Book".

At the end of the day, my family is no different than any other family- we work, we laugh, we eat, we love, we get pissed, we yell, we cry. Our backdrop is a little different. I hope I can show that you are not alone...in a way I'm hoping you can show me I'M not alone.

For the sake of the blog, I'll refer to the cast of characters as Hubby, SSon, Daughter, SSon's mom, Daughter's Dad, and Sista-Momma (Daughter's Bonus Mom). Also, out of respect for my SSon's mother, I wont post any frontal pics of him.

Blessings,

U:)