Therefore, what God has joined together, let NO man separate...

...and what's funny about that statement, is that the "man" in that statement is frequently in the marriage (or WOman, of course).

We are so busy today-whether you're a stay-at-home parent or working, we are B.U.S.Y! By the time we complete our workday, pick up the kids, get to the gym, come home, blog, make and eat dinner, check homework, give baths, and put the kids to bed, we are DONE!

But, where was "nurture the relationship" in that? Unfortunately, nowhere.

Hubby and I have long preached "balance" to each other, but have had quite a time walking the walk. In addition to the above, I have my social calendar (I love to enjoy occasional dinners or happy hours with girlfriends), he's in school, and is involved in community work. Though we enjoy being together, it is quite a feat to remember to devote time. One weekend a month, we are without either child and get to "honeymoon", but the rest of the time is pretty hit or miss for us.

Then there's the whole "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" thing. Of course, come the weekend, my husband is seeking...a connection in his way, while I'm seeking a connection in my way. (I'll let you draw your own conclusions on that one). Ultimately, both a husband and wife need connection, and it's not just going to happen on it's own, without both parties trying.

• "Together-Time" doesn't need to be a big production- it doesn't need to be an elaborate date night, complete with candlelight to be meaningful. Hubby and I once spent an entire weekend binge watching Netflix, and had an amazing time!
• Sometimes, you'll have to sacrifice something else on your agenda in the interest of feeding the relationship- this doesn't mean cancel your gym membership and drop all of your obligations. It simply means, sometimes, that pilates class or happy hour with the boys will have to take a back seat...you need to stay in with your sweetie instead.
• Even when you're tired, invest the time-There have been several nights when I've waited up, watery-eyed for Hubby to make it back from a community meeting, just so that he could see me awake for a minute. "How was your day?" goes a long way...
• Fulfill his needs, and he'll fulfill yours...and you'll fulfill his...and he'll fulfill yours-Marriage is a give-and-take. Step one is understanding what each other needs. Without each having a thorough understanding of this, it's easy to feel like "What I need doesn't matter" or "I'm the only one giving here". Marriage is a tango. Hubby and I stepped on each others toes habitually for awhile there...now we know how to dance much better together. :-)
• The Kids Need to See that you're more than just "Mommy and Stepdad" or "Stepmom and Dad"-We learn most of what we know about relationships from the marriages we witness growing up. Unfortunately, many of our kids witnessed the tumult of our previous marriages. So, we owe it to them to show that we are working to keep our current marriages healthy.

Pic courtesy of Kim Nellum Photography

 

So, who am I, exactly?

Daughter's Dad and I raised her to be respectful of adults- there was Mommy, Daddy, Grandmama, Granny, Papa, and Granddaddy. Other adults in her life were addressed by their titles or as "Mr...." or "Ms...", so it came as no surprise that when her Dad took on a girlfriend, that her name was "Ms. First Name". When Hubby and I became serious and he became a part of her life, he was "Mr. First Name".

I remember a few months after Daughter's Dad and Sista-Momma got married, Daughter got in the car and mentioned that she had been in discussions with Sista-Momma about what she should be called. I'm quickly said out loud to her, "well, surely not 'mom', 'mama', or 'mommy'...cause that's me, right?". Daughter immediately responded, "Of course not, it's just that she's called 'Ms. Lastname' at school and in Sunday School, and she doesn't really want to keep being 'Ms. Something' even at home." That made sense to me. But...but...had she earned a title? Wasn't it good enough that she was his wife? A Stepmother by description?

A few weeks later, Daughter revealed that she and Sista-Momma had been researching titles for Stepmoms, and they landed on "Momere", which I immediately recognized from my 3 years of High School French as a mispronunciation of "Ma Mere"- my mother. My stomach wrenched with betrayal, and I felt deeply troubled by this assigning of importance. Sista-Momma had been promoted. Was she equal to me? Different? Better? My only response was "well, I won't be calling her 'Momere', I'm fine to call her (First Name)."

As my partnership with Sista-Momma evolved, I found myself referring to her more and more as 'Momere' when speaking to Daughter. Yes, if there was an 'earning of a title' to be done, she has more than earned it with our little gem of a daughter. But the fact of the matter is, I am Daughter's mother-nothing (no title, circumstance, or situation) can ever take that away (certainly can't take away the 52 hours of labor-ha!). Now, inevitably, someone out there will say "it takes more than giving birth to be a mother". This is true, and this is what I am referring to. I have been, am, and will continue to be her mother. There is but 1 ME.

But, similarly, the fact is that Sista-Momma is Daughter's stepmother. The title doesn't make her any more or less that, just like the fact that I'm "Mom" does not define who I am. She could call me "Mud", and I would still be her mother. And so, "Momere" it is. That was Sista-Momma's request for her household, and Daughter agreed to it. It's only right.

In my home, Hubby is still "Mr. First Name". It bothered me a little right after our wedding, but he's OK with it, an so is Daughter. I'm not forcing anyone's hand. He is stepdad, regardless of his kid-moniker. Sson doesn't really call me anything. He does acknowledge me as being his stepmom if I'm picking him up and a friend asks, but usually when he needs to call out a name, it's "Daddy" anyway. And I'm cool with that. Today.

What are your thoughts on the matter? Have you been in this position? What are you called?