Temporary disappointments, permanent division

Earlier this week, a girlfriend of mine was sharing with me that she had not spoken to her husband in a couple days, as he had bailed at the last minute on a day of choosing bathroom upgrades for their home. She was extremely disappointed, as this was to be a big purchase, a day of togetherness, not to mention she didn’t want to make all of the decisions on her own. But, that Sunday morning as she was getting ready to head out, he asked her if she could “do him a favor, and go this one solo”. In her hurt, she said to me, “I can’t ever depend on him for ANYTHING ever again!”.

 

Now, I know what you’re thinking. I was thinking it, too. But we’ve all been there.

It seems to be a part of the human condition. Unless you’re a saint, the benchmark of a successful relationship is that we agree with one another and want for nothing- you don’t disagree, you don’t argue, you like the same foods, same music, can have excitement when you want it, or calm when you want it. Sounds absurd, right? So then, the reality is that there is a hard, straight line of our expectations of our mate, and the reality of them reaches above or below that line.

 

Here’s the rub: we tend to notice it much more when our mate dips below that line than when they meet or leap above that line.

My feedback to my friend (ONLY because she asked for it) is this: The disappointment, frustration, even anger that we feel in these moments is real. SO real. The unfortunate thing is that, as humans, we are ME-centered. There’s so much that WE do for others…so much that WE put up with. So, when someone makes a choice that is not helpful to ME or makes ME not feel good, they’ve fallen short of MY expectations. It’s important, once you’ve splashed around a bit in your feelings (because, I am convinced, it somehow feels good to us to be upset for a spell), we must pull back to look at the big picture. If you pull back and you find that these disappointments share a recurring theme (i.e. More often than not, when we are supposed to partake in large projects for our family, you pull out), then that is a larger issue that you must address with your mate. But, if you pull back, and you find that they’re more on the line and above it than they are below it, cut them some slack. Acknowledge their consistency on the line and the times they exceed it. By all means, let them know that they’ve disappointed you, then MOVE ON! I’ve found that so many of us, especially women, create permanent division with our temporary disappointments. LET. IT. GO.

 

#Beencouraged,

Ursula

 

Nobody's Perfect

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

There’s a song I like called “We fight, We love”. And isn’t that the truth? It’s the cycle of all relationships- even healthy ones.

Hubby is an Aries. I’m a Taurus. We have horns. We lock them. Hard sometimes. Our disagreements usually go something like this:

Ursula thinks, Ursula shares, Hubby responds, Ursula responds (harder), Hubby responds (harder than Ursula)…how ever many rounds of this…Hubby apologizes, Ursula cries, Ursula administers some doses of the silent treatment, Ursula apologizes too, all is well.

Earlier this week, I woke up with the following thought on my heart:

Relationships are hard! After you and your spouse have gotten into it, and you’re enviously scrolling your Facebook timeline, viewing all the “perfect” relationships, photoshoots, happy times, #lovehim, #loveher, “I’m so blessed”…know that we’re all in this. We all get into it at times, and though it may appear so, no relationship/marriage is perfect.

It’s very easy to try to measure your own relationship based on the snapshots that we continually subject ourselves to in social networking. Keep perspective, and embrace the depth and richness of YOUR relationship (all the good, the bad, the sparkle, and the grime). Keep track of how YOUR relationship is getting better. Not how your relationship seems to be worse (or better) than Patti Perfect’s relationship. Relationships are not perfect because we are not perfect.

#beencouranged

 

J

~Ursula~

Therefore, what God has joined together, let NO man separate...

...and what's funny about that statement, is that the "man" in that statement is frequently in the marriage (or WOman, of course).

We are so busy today-whether you're a stay-at-home parent or working, we are B.U.S.Y! By the time we complete our workday, pick up the kids, get to the gym, come home, blog, make and eat dinner, check homework, give baths, and put the kids to bed, we are DONE!

But, where was "nurture the relationship" in that? Unfortunately, nowhere.

Hubby and I have long preached "balance" to each other, but have had quite a time walking the walk. In addition to the above, I have my social calendar (I love to enjoy occasional dinners or happy hours with girlfriends), he's in school, and is involved in community work. Though we enjoy being together, it is quite a feat to remember to devote time. One weekend a month, we are without either child and get to "honeymoon", but the rest of the time is pretty hit or miss for us.

Then there's the whole "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" thing. Of course, come the weekend, my husband is seeking...a connection in his way, while I'm seeking a connection in my way. (I'll let you draw your own conclusions on that one). Ultimately, both a husband and wife need connection, and it's not just going to happen on it's own, without both parties trying.

• "Together-Time" doesn't need to be a big production- it doesn't need to be an elaborate date night, complete with candlelight to be meaningful. Hubby and I once spent an entire weekend binge watching Netflix, and had an amazing time!
• Sometimes, you'll have to sacrifice something else on your agenda in the interest of feeding the relationship- this doesn't mean cancel your gym membership and drop all of your obligations. It simply means, sometimes, that pilates class or happy hour with the boys will have to take a back seat...you need to stay in with your sweetie instead.
• Even when you're tired, invest the time-There have been several nights when I've waited up, watery-eyed for Hubby to make it back from a community meeting, just so that he could see me awake for a minute. "How was your day?" goes a long way...
• Fulfill his needs, and he'll fulfill yours...and you'll fulfill his...and he'll fulfill yours-Marriage is a give-and-take. Step one is understanding what each other needs. Without each having a thorough understanding of this, it's easy to feel like "What I need doesn't matter" or "I'm the only one giving here". Marriage is a tango. Hubby and I stepped on each others toes habitually for awhile there...now we know how to dance much better together. :-)
• The Kids Need to See that you're more than just "Mommy and Stepdad" or "Stepmom and Dad"-We learn most of what we know about relationships from the marriages we witness growing up. Unfortunately, many of our kids witnessed the tumult of our previous marriages. So, we owe it to them to show that we are working to keep our current marriages healthy.

Pic courtesy of Kim Nellum Photography