So, who am I, exactly?

Daughter's Dad and I raised her to be respectful of adults- there was Mommy, Daddy, Grandmama, Granny, Papa, and Granddaddy. Other adults in her life were addressed by their titles or as "Mr...." or "Ms...", so it came as no surprise that when her Dad took on a girlfriend, that her name was "Ms. First Name". When Hubby and I became serious and he became a part of her life, he was "Mr. First Name".

I remember a few months after Daughter's Dad and Sista-Momma got married, Daughter got in the car and mentioned that she had been in discussions with Sista-Momma about what she should be called. I'm quickly said out loud to her, "well, surely not 'mom', 'mama', or 'mommy'...cause that's me, right?". Daughter immediately responded, "Of course not, it's just that she's called 'Ms. Lastname' at school and in Sunday School, and she doesn't really want to keep being 'Ms. Something' even at home." That made sense to me. But...but...had she earned a title? Wasn't it good enough that she was his wife? A Stepmother by description?

A few weeks later, Daughter revealed that she and Sista-Momma had been researching titles for Stepmoms, and they landed on "Momere", which I immediately recognized from my 3 years of High School French as a mispronunciation of "Ma Mere"- my mother. My stomach wrenched with betrayal, and I felt deeply troubled by this assigning of importance. Sista-Momma had been promoted. Was she equal to me? Different? Better? My only response was "well, I won't be calling her 'Momere', I'm fine to call her (First Name)."

As my partnership with Sista-Momma evolved, I found myself referring to her more and more as 'Momere' when speaking to Daughter. Yes, if there was an 'earning of a title' to be done, she has more than earned it with our little gem of a daughter. But the fact of the matter is, I am Daughter's mother-nothing (no title, circumstance, or situation) can ever take that away (certainly can't take away the 52 hours of labor-ha!). Now, inevitably, someone out there will say "it takes more than giving birth to be a mother". This is true, and this is what I am referring to. I have been, am, and will continue to be her mother. There is but 1 ME.

But, similarly, the fact is that Sista-Momma is Daughter's stepmother. The title doesn't make her any more or less that, just like the fact that I'm "Mom" does not define who I am. She could call me "Mud", and I would still be her mother. And so, "Momere" it is. That was Sista-Momma's request for her household, and Daughter agreed to it. It's only right.

In my home, Hubby is still "Mr. First Name". It bothered me a little right after our wedding, but he's OK with it, an so is Daughter. I'm not forcing anyone's hand. He is stepdad, regardless of his kid-moniker. Sson doesn't really call me anything. He does acknowledge me as being his stepmom if I'm picking him up and a friend asks, but usually when he needs to call out a name, it's "Daddy" anyway. And I'm cool with that. Today.

What are your thoughts on the matter? Have you been in this position? What are you called?

Stepmotherhood, pt.3

On humility...

The first time I saw her was Daughter's baptism. We were at Daughter's father's church, and though I knew there was a fiance, I had never seen her. For the hour or so that we were there, I observed her concerted effort to avoid me: If I was in the front, she was in the rear; if I was in the northeast corner, she was in the southwest. I can only imagine how she felt that day. Who knows what account of the divorce she had received (and I should say, I still don't know or care to know), but it turned out to be just as awkward a non-encounter as society says it should have been. For both of us.

About 6 months later, she was officially his wife. Daughter had reached a point where her school was no longer challenging her, and her Stepmother, a teacher, extended the offer to bring Daughter to the private school where she taught- tuition-free. This would mean that Daughter would carpool with her stepmother everyday to the campus about 20 miles east of our home, and there would be daily contact between us: the former and new wife.

Tensenervousawkward touchbases between Stepmom and I were held weekly outside their home (where Daughter hopped out of one car into the other) to discuss behavior over the week, restrictions, homework, school projects, etc. Eventually, text messages were also exchanged to shoot additional tidbits we'd missed.

Our relationship has evolved into a sisterhood of motherhood. This woman, who I now affectionately call my "Sista-Momma", Daughter's "Bonus Mom" is my tag team partner! I rarely interract with Daughter's Dad, not for avoidancce, but by virtue of my daily contact with Sista-Momma. Our 12 year old is knee deep in teenage hormones (she 'hates' everyone, but loves us too), and we're all feeling it. Sista-Momma and I share tearful hugs when times are tough, pray together when things are bleak, and rejoice together when days are good.

Sista-Momma is my hero. She has forged such a relationship with Daughter that she is the perfect partner for Daughter's Dad. I have no apprehension about the care of Daughter when she's not with me. S-M is respectful of my role as Daughter's mother, but is ankle deep in the battle with me, and I love her. I am a better mother because she's in the trenches with me, and I am proud that Daughter has her as another strong woman to model her own womanhood after. We all should model ourselves after her HUMILITY. She's pretty awesome.

Sista-Momma on the left, me on the right