Ten Things I Want My Daughter To Hear Before She Stops Listening

Daughter, today on your last day of 6^th grade, I feel a few different emotions: First, I feel relief, because we won’t have to worry about homework, tests, or projects for the next 2.5 months. Second, I feel excited, because you’re about to embark on the second half of your grade school years! It’ll be super exciting for you, but you may also turn the volume down on your listening ears to your parents during this time. So, before you do that, here are ten things I want you to hear:

1) Everything You Go Through, I Went Through It First

I know it’s hard to believe but, I’ve been 12 ½ years old. And 14. And 16, too. All of the things that are cool were cool back in nineteen ninety-(cough, cough). I know all the tricks that are invented year after year by kids to get over on their teachers and parents- they were actually invented before my generation invented it way back then. And yes, I do “know how it feels” when you experience all of your different feelings. You can talk to me. And I will do my best to listen. I’ll even try really hard not to give you dumb advice-unless you ask me for it.

2) You Are Fabulous!

Psalm 139:13-14 says “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.”

You are going to have a love-not love relationship with yourself. Your body will be going through all kinds of different changes-awesome, then not. You’ll have good hair days, but then your hair won’t act right. You’ll ace a test one week, then get a “C” the next. But even with all of this, know that YOU. ARE. AWESOME! There is no one on this Earth that has the same chromosomes, name, height, weight, voice, or smile as you do. You’re one of a kind. An original one-time model. The world is lucky to know and have you. When things are less than perfect in your mind, know that it’s exactly what your model is meant to do at that moment…but it can change the next. It’s fine. God made you to do and be exactly He wanted.

3) Boys Are Bad

OK, I’m just kidding. Boys are not bad, they’re good! And, they’re cute …and they think girls are cute too. You all will start to notice each other in a way you never did before. I understand this, and am (cough) OK with this. But remember these things: right now, your number one mission is to focus on your studies, learning everything you can while there are people teaching you in school. Your number two mission is to learn everything you need to learn in order to be an independent adult. Number three is to have fun! This is a fun time- you’ll be gaining more and more independence each year, and will be able to enjoy your life with (believe it or not) the least amount of responsibility ever (stay on top of school, your chores, and be respectful)! That being said, there’ll be lots of time in your life after this to be an adult. No one’s getting married at 16 anymore- crushes are OK. But know that you’ll likely have a few broken hearts and break some too during this time. See me- I know the best brands of tissue.

4) Money Doesn’t Grow On Trees

This was my favorite lesson when I was your age. As you’re already figuring out, your parents make a certain amount of money per month. That’s it. With the money we earn, we must pay for our cars, gas, housing, food, and other needs for the family. THEN, after that, we can look at what’s leftover and make choices about where that money can go. The older you get, there’ll be things that you’ll want to have and do that cost money. There will be two ways to achieve these- get it from your parents, or get it for yourself. The easiest way to do this is to get it from your parents by keeping up with school, your chores, and being respectful. It’s been scientifically proven that kids that don’t give their parents a hard time get more stuff! (OK, maybe not scientifically proven, but proven nonetheless). The harder way is to work for it yourself, by getting a job. You’re still a little young for that, but we can chat about that when the time comes…this will involve a larger discussion about balance. Which leads me to…

5) Your Parents Don’t Hate You

You’re going to think this at some point. You may have thought it already. Though it may not seem like it, EVERYthing that we do and say is for your good. The answer to your “whys” can all be categorized by one of the following statements: (1) because it is/isn’t immediately in your best interest (your health, your safety, your grades); (2) because it is/isn’t in your long term best interest (your character, your work ethic, your morals); (3) because we (your parents) can’t make it happen for you (this falls under the ‘money doesn’t grow on trees’ heading). If you’re ever in doubt about which of these something falls under, I am happy to discuss with you. In fact, I challenge you to present things to me with these in mind- it may help persuade me one way or the other if you do!

6) Trust Your Gut

Also known as discernment. One definition is of discernment is “The ability to make a good judgment about something”. You’ll find yourself in a situation where there is more than one way to go-if your inner-girl is saying “don’t do this”, trust it. God placed that within you to help you make the best decisions about where you should go, what you should do, and who you should be around. When you pray, pray for clear discernment in your life. Everyone can have it, but some think women have a particular sharpness-women’s intuition. (Your Dad would probably call this “Spidey-Sense”). Google it.

7) You’re Not Like Everyone Else, And That’s OK

This will be a time where all of the kids your age will be trying to form their own identity. But, funny enough, everyone will do things “because other kids are doing it”. This will be a time where you’ll get some opportunities to try different things, and make choices on your own. Remember that for every action, there is a reaction; and for every choice, there is a consequence (good and bad). Please stay smart and stay safe- if you could hurt yourself or anyone else in the short or long run, it shouldn’t be done.

8) What You Do Now Really Will Matter Later

So, there’s this thing that grown-ups like to say: “If only I knew then what I know now”. What that means is that, if only we knew that our choices when we were 13-18 (for example) would make a difference in our lives when we turned 20-25….we may have made better choices. Not to stress you out but, spending a little extra time studying for that science test might make the difference between going away to your #1 university choice or staying in Mom or Dad’s house after high school. Just sayin’.

9) No One Will “Have Your Back” Like Your Family

You have and will make friends- probably really good friends who will be there for you. They’ll be there to vent to when we get on your nerves, when you have your first crush, and may be a “total lifesaver” when you need a copy of the History study guide you leave in your locker. But know this: when times get really tough, and your back is against the wall, NO ONE will “have your back” like your family. You’ve got a whole team of family who’s “specially trained” to be there for you, no matter what. There is no jam too deep that you can get yourself into that we will not do everything in our power to help you out of. Do not be mistaken- there may be jams that you get yourself into that you’ll need to figure your way out of, but we will support you while you do so. Also, there may be consequences for your jam that you need to face, but it’ll be better than letting your medium jam turn into a giant one. Just remember, your friends won’t know the way out any better than you do. They’re busy trying to figure their own lives out!

10) I Love You

Pretty soon, it may not be cool to say it back, or be seen hugging or kissing me. But, I want you to know that I love you. I’ve always loved you…since before you took your first breath. I’ll try not to raspberry your cheek, or embarrass you on your Facebook account (when you’re allowed to have one).

Now, you can put your earphones in or pump your stereo up and tune me out for the next 6 years (don’t really do this). But, as you enter this next stage of your life, I wish you luck, fun, success, and blessings. I love you to the moon and back, and can’t wait to see and get to know the woman you’re about to become.

Love,

Mom

Temporary disappointments, permanent division

Earlier this week, a girlfriend of mine was sharing with me that she had not spoken to her husband in a couple days, as he had bailed at the last minute on a day of choosing bathroom upgrades for their home. She was extremely disappointed, as this was to be a big purchase, a day of togetherness, not to mention she didn’t want to make all of the decisions on her own. But, that Sunday morning as she was getting ready to head out, he asked her if she could “do him a favor, and go this one solo”. In her hurt, she said to me, “I can’t ever depend on him for ANYTHING ever again!”.

 

Now, I know what you’re thinking. I was thinking it, too. But we’ve all been there.

It seems to be a part of the human condition. Unless you’re a saint, the benchmark of a successful relationship is that we agree with one another and want for nothing- you don’t disagree, you don’t argue, you like the same foods, same music, can have excitement when you want it, or calm when you want it. Sounds absurd, right? So then, the reality is that there is a hard, straight line of our expectations of our mate, and the reality of them reaches above or below that line.

 

Here’s the rub: we tend to notice it much more when our mate dips below that line than when they meet or leap above that line.

My feedback to my friend (ONLY because she asked for it) is this: The disappointment, frustration, even anger that we feel in these moments is real. SO real. The unfortunate thing is that, as humans, we are ME-centered. There’s so much that WE do for others…so much that WE put up with. So, when someone makes a choice that is not helpful to ME or makes ME not feel good, they’ve fallen short of MY expectations. It’s important, once you’ve splashed around a bit in your feelings (because, I am convinced, it somehow feels good to us to be upset for a spell), we must pull back to look at the big picture. If you pull back and you find that these disappointments share a recurring theme (i.e. More often than not, when we are supposed to partake in large projects for our family, you pull out), then that is a larger issue that you must address with your mate. But, if you pull back, and you find that they’re more on the line and above it than they are below it, cut them some slack. Acknowledge their consistency on the line and the times they exceed it. By all means, let them know that they’ve disappointed you, then MOVE ON! I’ve found that so many of us, especially women, create permanent division with our temporary disappointments. LET. IT. GO.

 

#Beencouraged,

Ursula

 

Therefore, what God has joined together, let NO man separate...

...and what's funny about that statement, is that the "man" in that statement is frequently in the marriage (or WOman, of course).

We are so busy today-whether you're a stay-at-home parent or working, we are B.U.S.Y! By the time we complete our workday, pick up the kids, get to the gym, come home, blog, make and eat dinner, check homework, give baths, and put the kids to bed, we are DONE!

But, where was "nurture the relationship" in that? Unfortunately, nowhere.

Hubby and I have long preached "balance" to each other, but have had quite a time walking the walk. In addition to the above, I have my social calendar (I love to enjoy occasional dinners or happy hours with girlfriends), he's in school, and is involved in community work. Though we enjoy being together, it is quite a feat to remember to devote time. One weekend a month, we are without either child and get to "honeymoon", but the rest of the time is pretty hit or miss for us.

Then there's the whole "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" thing. Of course, come the weekend, my husband is seeking...a connection in his way, while I'm seeking a connection in my way. (I'll let you draw your own conclusions on that one). Ultimately, both a husband and wife need connection, and it's not just going to happen on it's own, without both parties trying.

• "Together-Time" doesn't need to be a big production- it doesn't need to be an elaborate date night, complete with candlelight to be meaningful. Hubby and I once spent an entire weekend binge watching Netflix, and had an amazing time!
• Sometimes, you'll have to sacrifice something else on your agenda in the interest of feeding the relationship- this doesn't mean cancel your gym membership and drop all of your obligations. It simply means, sometimes, that pilates class or happy hour with the boys will have to take a back seat...you need to stay in with your sweetie instead.
• Even when you're tired, invest the time-There have been several nights when I've waited up, watery-eyed for Hubby to make it back from a community meeting, just so that he could see me awake for a minute. "How was your day?" goes a long way...
• Fulfill his needs, and he'll fulfill yours...and you'll fulfill his...and he'll fulfill yours-Marriage is a give-and-take. Step one is understanding what each other needs. Without each having a thorough understanding of this, it's easy to feel like "What I need doesn't matter" or "I'm the only one giving here". Marriage is a tango. Hubby and I stepped on each others toes habitually for awhile there...now we know how to dance much better together. :-)
• The Kids Need to See that you're more than just "Mommy and Stepdad" or "Stepmom and Dad"-We learn most of what we know about relationships from the marriages we witness growing up. Unfortunately, many of our kids witnessed the tumult of our previous marriages. So, we owe it to them to show that we are working to keep our current marriages healthy.

Pic courtesy of Kim Nellum Photography

 

Stepmotherhood, pt.3

On humility...

The first time I saw her was Daughter's baptism. We were at Daughter's father's church, and though I knew there was a fiance, I had never seen her. For the hour or so that we were there, I observed her concerted effort to avoid me: If I was in the front, she was in the rear; if I was in the northeast corner, she was in the southwest. I can only imagine how she felt that day. Who knows what account of the divorce she had received (and I should say, I still don't know or care to know), but it turned out to be just as awkward a non-encounter as society says it should have been. For both of us.

About 6 months later, she was officially his wife. Daughter had reached a point where her school was no longer challenging her, and her Stepmother, a teacher, extended the offer to bring Daughter to the private school where she taught- tuition-free. This would mean that Daughter would carpool with her stepmother everyday to the campus about 20 miles east of our home, and there would be daily contact between us: the former and new wife.

Tensenervousawkward touchbases between Stepmom and I were held weekly outside their home (where Daughter hopped out of one car into the other) to discuss behavior over the week, restrictions, homework, school projects, etc. Eventually, text messages were also exchanged to shoot additional tidbits we'd missed.

Our relationship has evolved into a sisterhood of motherhood. This woman, who I now affectionately call my "Sista-Momma", Daughter's "Bonus Mom" is my tag team partner! I rarely interract with Daughter's Dad, not for avoidancce, but by virtue of my daily contact with Sista-Momma. Our 12 year old is knee deep in teenage hormones (she 'hates' everyone, but loves us too), and we're all feeling it. Sista-Momma and I share tearful hugs when times are tough, pray together when things are bleak, and rejoice together when days are good.

Sista-Momma is my hero. She has forged such a relationship with Daughter that she is the perfect partner for Daughter's Dad. I have no apprehension about the care of Daughter when she's not with me. S-M is respectful of my role as Daughter's mother, but is ankle deep in the battle with me, and I love her. I am a better mother because she's in the trenches with me, and I am proud that Daughter has her as another strong woman to model her own womanhood after. We all should model ourselves after her HUMILITY. She's pretty awesome.

Sista-Momma on the left, me on the right

Stepmotherhood, pt. 2

So...as I said in my last post, the theme in my stepparenting journey thus far has been humility. I really struggled that first year with embracing Sson. Remember that feeling for kids I said I don't have naturally? Yeah...

It was HARD to love Sson. Point blank AND the period. For one, he was an age that I hadn't experienced in 6+ years, he was a boy (which, I don't care what anybody says, is DIFFERENT from experiencing a girl of the same age). And he wasn't mine.

A lot of weight is placed on men who "accept children who are not theirs". I would submit that it's just as hard for a woman if not, harder. Especially for one who's already a mother. Here's my theory:
When a woman gives birth to a child, there's a an innate and unconditional love on both the part of the mother and the child. From the moment the chid is born, it knows: "this is my mothership, my life giver". Even in the case of an adopted mother, the child is taught the same thing. There is one mother. One father. Then, there's everyone else. I am the everyone else. This is where humility comes in. Can you love a child that owes you nothing, with no expectation of reciprocation of any type?

It didn't help that things were still pretty contentious that first year between Hubby and Sson's mother. Each weekend, Sson would come to us reporting spiteful things from the other household ala TMZ. Hubby would be on edge, and the whole atmosphere in our home would be muddy.

I know it sounds like, "U, you're complaining a lot about this little boy", but I'm saying this to show that it is a challenge to be a step-parent, it does not by any means come easily, and YOU are not alone. It's hard. But we have been placed in this position because we can handle it. We CAN love a child that's not our own unconditionally. This is a more profound love than even the love one has for her own flesh because of this fact: you don't have to do it.

To this day, his parent in our home is Hubby. At 6, he still doesn't fully grasp the fact that I too am a parent in the home. And at almost 34 I still haven't fully grasped the fact that I am to be a parent despite the fact that he is not "being my child". I struggle sometimes with doing more than just ensuring everyone's fed, but I'm trying to get better, everyday. Humility is a process...you'll watch my journey unfold as it unfolds!

The goal is to not be this:

 

But something more like this: